BROWN NOSER - Key Persons
Job Titles:
- Editor - in - Chief ( Retired )
Big Strong Gym Bro No Match For Big Metal Bar With Other Big Pieces Of Metal At The Ends | Oct 27 2023
According to sources at the Nelson Fitness Center, big strong gym bro Lance Walters is no match for that big metal bar with other big pieces of metal at the ends. "With a build like that, you'd think he'd kick that metal bar's ass," reported sophomore Harry Friedman, watching in awe as Walters struggled to push the big metal rod off of his chest and needed his buddy to come hold the metal too.
Brown Mergers and Acquisitions of Acquisitions Club recently announced it has moved its application deadline back to 2027. "Despite the incredibly high volume of interest and applications, we are generously extending our application deadline to November 2027," said Jackson Wainscott III, club President, Vice President, Treasurer, Social Media Manager, and Director of Diversity Equity & Inclusion.
Burger King Pretending Impossible Whopper The Only Burger They Sell Without Beef In It | Mar 06 2020
Sources report that fast food chain Burger King is pretending their new plant-based Impossible Whopper is the only burger they sell without beef in it. "Here at Burger King, we're proud to offer a meatless alternative to our traditional burgers," said spokesperson Richard Gilhooly, completely ignoring the fact that the other Whoppers on Burger King's menu contain no traces of real meat.
Job Titles:
- President
- University President
University President Christina Paxson recently announced that she is totally open to hearing students with complaints, so long as they stand on this giant trap door. "Come right on in!" Paxson said, grinning next to a giant lever. "I'm wholeheartedly devoted to ensuring students feel seen, heard, and listened to, and I think the best place for them to do that is right on this big red X-yes, just right there, now hold still." "I want these students to know that the University has long-established mechanisms to formally make suggestions and complaints," Paxson added, clasping the lever for the long-established mechanism that sends those pesky students down to the chasm of doom.
Multiple sources have reported that President Christina Paxson is telling everyone that she "discovered" Dr. Ashish Jha. "When I first found Ashish, he was a struggling public health professional," stated Paxson to an uncomfortable donor touring the university.
Dr. Luther P. Ross, a prominent brain surgeon in the area, realized during a procedure this Tuesday that applying Twisted Peppermint scented hand lotion before heading into surgery had been a poor choice. "Does anyone want some of this?" Dr. Ross said to his team of surgeons, offering to wipe his extra lotion on their forearms.
Local Brown student Evan Stevenson has been permanently banned from the one-and-a-half blocks of RISD campus after being spotted wearing his new Apple Airpod Max's. "RISD guidelines now state that your headphones must be at least 15 years old and 100% uncomfortable," Evan reports being told.
Micheal George, a foolish man, has let his hubris get the better of him and is attempting to balance a glass of water on his bed. "The table is a little too far away, but I'm sure this will be fine," stated George, his sinful pride convincing him that he is somehow superior to his fellow man and that he will succeed where generations of others have failed.